you are a mirror
every now and then we cross paths with someone that we are a mirror for. We make them a take a solid look at their insecurities, fears, and things buried so deep they weren’t even conscious.
Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves - Carl Jung
the mirror often makes or breaks relationships. When you’re sitting across from someone, what’s reflected back to you? Does it highlight where you fall short? Some aspect or trait that you desperately wish you had? A feeling that you haven’t been able to access since you were young?
i’ve often found that friends and romantic partners are the biggest mirrors. When someone makes us look inward at ourselves we deflect the light away. There’s a force or collision, which alters the trajectory of the light. We often seek out people with qualities that make us feel safe. But this safety isn’t always out of security, it’s out of familiarity. We seek people and patterns that are comfortable for us, and this is why differences make us run away.
i recently dated a man who I became a mirror for. On our first date, we spent almost ten hours together. Drinking espresso martinis, discussing current events, and everything from Dostoevsky to the intricacies of fancy grocery stores.
i am an incredibly sensitive soul. I notice the quiver in someone’s voice when they say they’re fine but about to cry. I wear my emotions on my sleeve so you never have to guess. I want to know your favorite memory as a child or how your face lights up when talking about the things you’re passionate about.
as my relationship with D progressed, i became more aware of his quirks. Within these quirks, was the inability to become emotionally close with someone. Vulnerability was a foreign invader and he had built his walls so high that it could never cross over. I couldn’t cross the walls either.
when discussing the most important traits we wanted in a potential partner, he said empathy. Looking back now, I see that he was desperately looking for something that he couldn’t access through the reflection looking back at him. As I began to outwardly express my feelings and show this part of myself, he began to see me as too much. Too emotional. Too anxious. Too loud when I expressed something that bothered me. My depth was an image of his fear of worthy connection. It was easier to barely scratch the surface rather than get to get to the messy, complex parts of a relationship that make it all worth while. Relationships in his mind were arrangements instead of a close, satisfying bond that coudn’t easily be broken.
when we look in the mirror, we often examine every little detail. We nitpick every part of our face that we wish looked different. The acne scars that mark the surface. The dark circles under our eyes from the hours of sleep we missed out on. The way our eyebrows are just a little bit asymmetrical. We start to look at them so much they become something we despise, even hate about ourselves. Our physical blueprint is the same as our personal one. Once we’re forced to look at the insecurities of our minds and hearts through the lens of someone else, we withdraw. Or in some cases, we’re forced to grow through the hard realizations of where we need to change. That we can let someone in despite the fear of getting hurt in the process. That although we wear the protective mask of viewing emotional connection as bad or something to be afraid of, we can remove it to reveal our true self. And maybe, we can remove the mask enough to show the mirror who we really are. After all, mirrors and people are both a reflection into our souls whether we like it or not.
